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Fluffy Thinking and Flowery Language

June 26, 2008

Unluckily we have had to resort to this. I am a blog addict. (Why else would I be doing this?) There are some unbelievably good blogs floating around in cyberspace. Then there are some decent blogs. Then there’s the rest. I am concerned with the rest.

Let’s start at the beginning, which is a very good place to start, as Maria (of The Sound of Music fame) said. Picture this. You’re walking down ________ Street (please insert name of favourite shopping quarter). Aha. New shop. It sells thingamajigs. “How interesting,” you tell yourself insincerely. And you walk on.

The next day you’re walking down the ________ Road (please insert name of second favourite shopping quarter, where you end up going when you don’t find what you want in _________ Street.) Lo and behold. there’s another new shop. It’s selling thingamajigs too. And they’re BIGGER! (Did I mention they were cheaper too?) You stop and look.

A few weeks after that you’re on the _________ to work (please insert preferred mode of vehicular transport; you get more points if it’s environmentally friendly, but don’t lie. You’re only fooling yourself). Now where was I? OK. You’re on your way to work and right next to the fag shop, where you’re on first name terms with the owner, there it is. A spanking new thingamajig shop. But not JUST thingamajigs. This time it’s thingamajigs with bells on. You shake your head and go on. Unbelievable… until, that is, you’re back in _______ Street looking for shoes. Your favourite crapmonger is now offering a free thingamajig with every load of crap you buy.

OK. Where am I going with all this? Back to blogs:

There are a few unbelievably good blogs etc (cue dispirited “How interesting” response and walk on)

Then there are some decent blogs (cue video clip of someone stopping at a shop window and looking mildly interested)

Then there’s the rest (cue a video clip of thingamajigs with bells on falling off a production line somewhere )

How is one factory going to convince the public at large that its thingamajigs are the best money can buy? Embellish their properties of course. “This thingamajig is empathetic”. “When this thingamajig sees you’ve had a bad day it logs on to Online-hug.com.” (Of course you’ll need to buy the thingamajig with internet access and Wi-Fi, which retails at a nifty $RIDICULOUS from good shops everywhere.”

And this is what’s happening to blogs, I think. We bloggers have to convince the world that our cybergraffiti is worth stopping for as much as the next guy’s (or gal’s). So what do we do? Use flowery language for one. Cop a load of this: while she speaks about one of the million corners of the same round world and ponder … after all … the world is a beautiful place

I’m not saying where I found it, because it’s not fair. But does it really make you want to read more? Million corners of the same round world. If s/he says so ….. (please note the industrious avoidance of hint dropping 🙂 )

He told us the story that made him lame: it must have been a vicious story.

The following statistical analysis was taken from another blog. The blogger (again remaining unidentified to minimise the possibility of egg-on-blogger’s-face happening) was discussing the validity of the results of some survey about the situation of single parent families in a particular country.

Among my own extended network of friends, acquaintances and people I know through work, the figure seems rather closer to 40 per cent. Another difficulty is that the numbers are not broken down to reflect the truth: that the marriages of those aged 25 to 50 are hitting the rocks at an alarming rate, but the marriages of those aged 50+ are not. I know this because I can see what’s happening around me.

Mind-boggling. Just observe the unshakeable premises upon which the blogger’s argument are based, in case you missed them the first time around:

Among my own extended network of friends, acquaintances and people I know through work unless this person’s extended network of friends etc etc is a) big enough to be statistically significant b) is representative of the population at large the statement wields about as much weight as an anorexic gnat.

the figure seems rather closer to 40 per cent because the blogger knows what 100% is. Obviously.

the truth: that the marriages of those aged 25 to 50 are hitting the rocks at an alarming rate Where to begin? From the truth? Or the fact that the rocks are being pelted with marriages at an alarming rate? That’s a nice way to ruin a day at the beach. What constitutes alarming? Are there any socio-economic parameters one should consider before being unduly alarmed? I keep forgetting the demographically representative network.

but the marriages of those aged 50+ are not Wow! Impressive database.

And now for the punch line:

I know this because I can see what’s happening around me. Sure, sure. We know that what you know is the truth. Nothing but.

I’m off to find the latest deals on thingamajigs. I think I’ll start my own shop. A 5Kg pack of washing powder with every thingamajig purchased. Any takers?

Toodle-oo.

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From → The Gripevine

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